So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
