forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
