seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Randomize
