Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize