No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Randomize
