I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
