I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
