Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
