I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
