It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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