you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
