i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
