every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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