I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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