I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
