Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
