Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
