You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
