So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
