this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
