i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Randomize
