I want to bang chis in dee ass burt he be hating on me times two. Me be tryin ti love onu
Bendover
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
