We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
