im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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