you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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