Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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