Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
