i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
