My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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