I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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