my phone needs a breathalizer
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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