Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Holy shit dude........stairs
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
