I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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