All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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