Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
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