i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
