Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
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