Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
