Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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