maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
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