I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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