i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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