True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
