I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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