im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
