You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
