Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
