the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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