Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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