i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
He passed out mid-signature
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Randomize
