I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
