Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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