I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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