Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
