in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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