Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
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