i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
