Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
