My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
