She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Randomize
