Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Randomize
