don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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