WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
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